Perception

We all make mistakes! It’s natural, and it’s how we learn. But we should never be made to feel bad about an honest (non criminal) mistake. And those we consider to be our closest and dearest friends and family should 100% never make us feel so little. But it happens, usually unintentionally, sometimes intentional. But how do we determine those apart? Is it based off how well we perceive the relationship to be? Is there proof that the way things were said/handled were meant one way or another? In the world where we can hide behind written words via text, email and social media, how do you determine tone of voice? How do you respond so that this person understands that your intention wasn’t how they perceived the situation? 

How do you rectify a situation gone bad? Respond? Let it go as you understand why they’re hurt or upset? Hope for the best? 

Perception is key when it comes to EVERYTHING!!!! How you hold your body, the tone of your voice, even written words can indicates how you truly are feeling, but in the eyes and ears of others, it can be exasturbated and taken way out of the context by the receiver.

So please before you send that text, email, post on a social site or even in person, think about how someone else may take it. It can ruin things for you.

The scariest moment, turned upside down.

Today is just one of many days that I will face in this cold world of interviewing for a new career. I have been with the same company for nearly 5years and to leave my comfort zone is taking years from my mental health. I do not like change, yet I’ve  learned to embrace it just the same. 

And while I had an amazing hour and a half conversation with the recruiter, it was ended with, I’m sorry, but with what you’ve just told me, we are unable to further this process. 

It’s not their fault that they have policies ans procedures to adhere to, again I am rejuvenated by the fact that, that tiny detail was my only hangup. It’s a bit of information that they would have stumbled upon anyway, better to be honest and upfront as not to waste time in the long run. Heart broken, yes. Will I face the same rejection, yes time and time again. But there is hope, that my experience and passion will eventually sway the right company to overlook my troubles past. 

Fear! Excitement! Both?

I tell a tale as old as time. A tale we all know and all relate too oh so well. Fear! Excitement! 

Life has a funny way of showing you, ok pushing you, where you need to go next. For the past few years my husband and I have toyed with the idea of moving. Moving far, far away from our beloved little comfort zone. This little corner of the world where we have grown content and comfortable has been one of many excuses as to why we can’t and shouldn’t move yet. Change is scary! Wondering into the big unknown, alone, almost  alone. 

So during a phone conversation we had the other night, again the topic of moving comes up. And without hesitation, I jump on board and say “Let’s go!” There really isn’t anything holding us here anymore, the support we need is there, in the big unknown. Conversation, as it always does, continues on and on, into other topics and when it’s done I hang up. 

Then I feel it grip my insides…….FEAR!!!! Oh my, what did I just say? We’re moving? When? How? Why? Can I do this? Can we do this? But what about…? And what about…? Oh no, I don’t think I can do this. I’m not sure I’m ready for it. Over and over these thought plague my mind. Sleep evades me as these thoughts take control. 

Finally as my eyes can no longer stay open, and I drift off into slumber, dreams invade the space my conscience mind was working on overtime. But here, is peace! Here is Excitment! A journey to something New! New beginnings! A place that isn’t tarnished by our past! 

I awake with a new sense of hope, of peace, of desire! Oh does it feel good. But my good friend, fear is back! Is it possible to feel fear and excitement all at the same time? Yes, yes it is. 

It is ok to fear the unknown! But with it can come the excitement of seeing new things, trying new things, meeting new people. And just knowing I’m not doing this alone helps too!

Your failed cheer captain

That single solitary moment when you realize you are truly alone in this ever growing populated world. It’s extremely devastating.

Today is suppose to be a day to celebrate you, as a mom, and of the wonderful woman you’ve grown to be. 

Who should be your biggest cheerleader in this role you now play? Your own mother of course, next in line your husband or life partner, then the rest of your family and friends. But what happens when your #1 cheerleader fails her duties as captain of the cheer squad? 

You lose your sense of worth, your sense of being the best you can possibly be, you even lose respect. Lost respect for your cheer captain and lost respect for yourself. 

A mother’s love is what every child longs for. And while we press on with life and act as though it hasn’t and won’t affect us, deep down boils the ever nagging question “What did I do that was so wrong that you don’t love me like that?” 

It’s easy to blame ourselves for their lack of effort, and their lack of love. It’s hard to place blame on the mother for she carried us in her womb and destroyed her body image to bring us into this world. 

I do alright on my own. I’ve learned that I can survive with my husband who has had to step up to the position of cheer captain. But it never is truly the same as wanting and needing your mother to step up to the plate and play her true role. 

Deep down I’m hurt that I’ve had to take to the sidelines in her life and wonder why she doesn’t cheer me on. What was it that I did that curved her desire to cheer me on. And while realistically I know, it is her with the problem and not me, as a child of hers, reason doesn’t always win. 

So I say to you Mothers out there, cherish your children, cheer them on to be the best them they can be. Do not play favorites amongst your children, for each child is unique and will amaze you with their true self. 

And if you are one of the lucky ones who had a mother who was and is your greatest cheerleader, hold her right, and remember to thank her for fulfilling the best role a mother gets to play.

When keeping a secret, makes it worse

Now on most days I’m a pretty level headed person. While I may be offended at first, my rational mind finds the reason to be okay with an action. (Don’t get me wrong I dont justify EVERY action). 

So here is the situation: Some one steals my idea, and makes it a reality. Now while the end result is the same, the recipient gets what they need! Yay!!!! But while I was hurt that this idea was stolen, I was mortified when I discovered the execution of the idea. And in only a matter of time, I further learn that I was not to be told until the very last minute, because they knew they were stepping on toes and that I would be hurt that I couldn’t execute the idea. While yes this is true, I’m beyond repairing my feelings that it was hidden from me. Again, I’m a reasonable person and would have understood the Why behind taking my idea, I could have offered up suggestions and preferences. 

And while the recipient is glad to have her gift, she too isn’t as thrilled as she wants to be, because she knows the idea was originally mine. 

It hurts even more when it’s my family that had has done this to me. 

Policy vs humanity

It’s a sad world we live in today. While I have reached an all time low, waking up and not even having cereal or peanut butter in the house to feed the kids, I went back to the food pantry. Now I knew there was a 50/50 chance they’d turn me down because I am 4 days early (they only allow a family to come get a bag every 2 weeks). But I’m crossing my fingers that they’ll bend a rule this time as I can not physically go in 4 days due to my job. And in all reality, it’s the same week as my 2 weeks. And I really didn’t want to go back again so soon, but when your bank account is in the negative, you have $3 dollars in cash to get you to payday, and 2 hungry little girls, you suck it up and try. 

I explained that I knew I was a few days early, I explained that I have to work the next time they are open and is my actual 2 weeks. And I could tell that the one really wanted to work something out with me. But he’s new and learning, so he goes seeking the right answer, and this lady pokes her head around the corner and very sternly tells me that no I can not have food 4 days early. And if you can’t make it, send someone in your place. 

I broke down right there, tears gushing  down my face,  simply tell her that I can’t send someone in place and turn around and walk out. Bawling at this point!

Now don’t get me wrong here, I truly understand the need to follow policy as I knew I probably wouldn’t get it. I get there was someone out there who broke the system and abused it for such a policy to be made. And I respect that! Cause I know with out a doubt that I would do the same thing if I had a similar program. 

But for a non profit run out of a church, I think I’m bothered more by the fact that this lady didn’t offer me a gentle tone. She didn’t ask if I had someone who I could send in my place as a solution to my dilema, she merely assumed. She doesn’t know my story, she doesn’t know that it kills me to ask for a hand out, but my kids are that important to me, that I will risk my “ego” and find a way to feed them. 

So while I do respect them for following policy, I’m deeply hurt by the attitude I was given, leaving me to feel as though it was my fault that I can’t afford my own food right now, not because I’m in a sense a single mom while my husband is a way for awhile.

So, please remember to be kind and gentle when needing to keep your policies intact. A smile and a gentle tone can go a long way. It can show that while you understand policies are not always fair, you still need to adhere to them and give us the Why behind it. Don’t bark at someone with an alternative and expect it be graciously accepted as their only option. 

In that moment, I lost a small amount of faith, in the humanity of my area, lost faith that I can and will survive this alone, lost faith in the programs mission. 

Here I sit….

Here I sit, eating my child’s cold left over ravioli. Desperately seeking the words to relay to the world just how bad I feel. Desperately wishing I had just one person I could let go and vent everything too. That one person who wouldn’t say a word, I don’t need any “there, there” or any advise on how to do things better. Can’t speak to my husband, as I don’t want him to feel worse for being out of town trying to get the medical mistake fixed, so where do I turn too???? Yup Facebook, to give my “fans” a small vague, glimpse look into my reality. See who bites, see who asks questions or offer even a small “there, there” with out full knowledge of the whirlwind in my head. Yup, I turned to the very evil social media that I so eagerly lashed out about in my previous post. Hell, why not, seems like it works for everyone else. And the scariest thing I discovered????? (Actually this discovery is nothing new, I’ve known about this most of my life) is that my distant relatives were first to respond. Yup, yup, yup. My immediately family, (mother and siblings) either never comment, or reach out to see what’s up, or their comments are extremely rude and riddled with advice that they’ve been preaching for years. 

Here are my cousins,  who I hardly know, offering up “call me” “there, there” well before my own mother. Like I really needed to be reminded that she doesn’t care. But maybe deep down I was hoping for a better outcome, only to drive my self worth deeper into the ground as I again am proven right. They don’t care, and never have. 

So here again, I sit in self pity, praying and hoping that someone out there cares enough, allowing myself to fall furter into disdain and dispair in the mean time knowing that is not going to happen at all. 

Now it’s time to take a nap with the kids, reset my body and wake up with will, the need and the ability to take back my life, and remember that only I can make this happen, and not some vaugue plea of help, or a desperate plea to a TV show. 

Battling everything

I get so agitated daily. Social media is, to me, at its lowest point. At what was meant to be a tool of connection between friends and family afar, has become some personal outlet for political views, to place crap no one really cares about and can get hundreds of thousands of shares and likes. It’s disgusting, yet I find myself clicking and reading them too. Some give me hope that there is a better world out there, but mostly I get angry. Angry that myself and my family who struggle daily with medical issues, bills, and daily household chores who receive very little family and social support. I of course dream of instant relief, envy those who have found that “secret” success who will gladly sell their success secret for a mere $$/Monthly.

Just this week, I feel as though I’ve stepped to the bottom of the pit and asking for a hand out when I sent a request to the Ellen Show to fulfill my dreams and ended up at a food bank to get a few items to feed the kids. As I know the food is essential to our survival. But seriously thinking that Ellen will find my situation a situation worth fulfilling is down right silly. How did we ever get to this point? Will we ever get out of this slump? Will it ever matter? I feel as though it’s a never ending cycle of downward decline in a world of make believe, pay it forward, social media hoopla.

Sick to my stomach

Hate this feeling. When you come home from work trying to figure out if this is truly your calling, or if your hard work really is paying off. Seriously fearing the status of my job right now. And it’s the worst feeling ever. And it’s all because my boss in my opinion is so wishy washy. Wants us to focus on one set of stats one week then a different set the next. Still trying to understand them, but it’s hard when I don’t get to see them on a regular basis. And I know they have the wrong impression of me. And that I hate too.

Beyond belief

I can’t even begin to describe how I feel right now. I’m hurt, disappointed, and beyond words. How does someone live with themselves knowing that they’ve just stole from you? Sure the typical response is they have no conscience. They’ve done it before with no repercussions and feel invincible, like no one will catch them. But I’m onto you….i have my records to show what’s going on, you will be caught……bet my sweet ass you will not get away with it.