When family isn’t family!

We all grow up with some knowledge of lack there of, of what family truly stands for.

The TV shows us both dysfunctional and perfect families.

So which one do you aspire to have?

What do you do when the family you desire to have fails your expectations?

What do you do when the family you have is the ideal family, yet suddenly changes?

What do you do when family would rather turn on you for someone on the outside? (And for probably all the wrong reasons!)

What do you do when the outside person KNOWS that your family is feeling guilty over a situation, so this person exploits the situation to benefit them? This person finds little things to complain about, so your family comes down on you?

What can you do when you feel ostracized by your family, but you are stuck in a situation where you can’t just pack up and leave?

Mini wars increase, but only when this outside person is around! Doors slam, but only when your children are sleeping.

What can you do, when you are the target, but your children suffer? Your children feel cabin fever daily, because you can’t trust a situation won’t arise and that they’ll get the blame?

When do you or how can you leave the toxic environment when your situation physically keeps limited?

How do you tell your family that they aren’t family anymore?

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And just like that……..

And just like that, the world came crashing down on him.

We all hold out for hope!!!!!

Hope for a better future

Hope for a family who cares for one another

Hope that when we fall ill, someone will know how to fix us!!!

When we lose hope in any number of category in life, we tend to loose hope in a multitude of others.

What about losing hope in your own abilities. As he heard those words “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you” you know all his hopes were crushed, right then and there. But so were yours. Your hopes that he’d get an answer he could cope with. Hopes that some how his pain would be eliminated. Hopes that your sanity would return, because his pain would go away.

Here is the understanding, that you’ve always know, there is no Magic pill, no reset button, and physically no cure.

And Just Like that……….

 

A little thing called RESPECT!!!

It is a terrible world we live in. When we watch children who can not even respect their own parents. It makes me want to scream and shake them. (But we all know that won’t knock those rocks loose enough in their head to fully understand)

Now while you all know that I don’t much care for my own mother, remember she was my cheerleader who failed me???? But even though she choose to cheer loudly for my siblings and not me, doesn’t give me the right to EVER disrespect her! She still birthed me, feed me, made sure I got to school, got to ballet or any other countless number of activities I choose to do growing up.

Yet it sickens me when I over hear these people, who are only maybe 10 years younger than myself, laughing and joking about how they are “nice and friendly” to their mom, only to run downstairs and laugh and joke at her expense because they think they have her fooled.

As a mother myself, I know I have a child who more than likely does the same about me. While I can’t control what he says, I’m no fool and I know the type of person they are and all I can do is call him out on his thought process and try to eventually turn his thoughts about me, by talking, fairly to him, as an adult.

But she, this particular mother, is just as much at fault as her child. She has allowed him to walk all over her his entire life. Every time his older brother beat up on him, yelled and screamed, she took this child and got him what ever he wanted. He still lives at home and has openly stated that he will never leave.

It is a damn shame, when your own children have little to NO respect for you.

 

Why is it…

Why is it that when things go so terribly wrong, you feel so little and unable to make a difference?

Why is it, when you can feel the world is about to crush you, you try to make the needed changes, only for it to back fire in your face?

Why is it, you perceive everything to be your fault? Words are exchanged and you are suppose to be reassured it’s not, but the actions say an entirely different story?

Why is it that when guilt trips thrown out there, yet when called out, the tone changes?

Why is it, when you try to speak, you are drowned out?

Why is it, they get to be angry, but you are not allowed to be?

Why is it, you are expected to change, but never them?

Double standards

How can one truly understand? How can one complain, well, more express concern, that their partner isn’t showing them enough attention because of A, B or C.

Sure, it changes, things get better for a few weeks. However, its really only one side of the spectrum. She watches him dive deep within himself to avoid the pain and hurt, so it’s hard to not fall into old habits. It completely feels like a one way street. Only he is allowed to hide.

Why is it always her fault? Why is it okay for him to go hide? Why is it okay when he gets frustrated to be angry, but she isn’t allowed to be frustrated or angry?

While deep down she understands that most of this is the fault of the dieseases he carries within. The pain, the agony, the other countless things that seem to run amuck deep within. Yet, there are days that it just doesn’t seem fair that she always, 100%, has tro be the family rock, peace keeper, etc… Like it’s a sin should she fall apart, or get lost in her phone, a game, a book or even a TV show.

She’s been well aware that she’s resorted backwards again. So before a conversation can be had again about it, she’s attempted to put down the phone when he walks in the room,(only to be ignored or watch him coontinue on his phone) has attempted conversation (which feels extremely forced), has attempted to assist with dinner, (only to be told it’s ok, he’s got it). So why the double standards? Again, why is it okay for him and her?

Always the un-likable one

It is always a sad day when your very own family strikes out against you. It’s always an unfair fight when it’s 6 against 1.

Yet this is how I have lived my life for what feels like an eternity. I have always been made to feel as the odd man out. So why do I get to live with this target on my chest? That is a question I have asked myself for many many years. What’s the only thing that separates me from them? My bloodline! Well half of my bloodline anyway. So while I may be the eldest of all the children, I am definitely not by any means the favorite or apparently well liked, and we could probably even use the term hated. I have been told I don’t exist, I have been told I’m not their true sister, I’ve been told I’m not wanted, among many other phrases and choice words.

They say siblings grow closer and fonder of each other once we become adults. But what happens if some of their mentality is still that of their 10yr old self? Especially when it comes to you? The name calling and belittlement remains, and in my case is even stronger, because they are adults and can use “adult” words!

So what can one do about it? Take their hurtful words and let them be (and let it eat you alive, as you strive for understanding)? Say something, let them know how their words hurt (hahahaha, they don’t care, that was their intent! And if you “boo hoo” about it, they win)?

After years of this emotional abuse, you become numb to their words, but it doesn’t always work, you’re still human and words still cut like a knife right into the heart, and the questions creep back up, making you question your very existence.

You come home from work, look around you, see your children peacefully sleeping, cry to your spouse about yet how again, in a small way, these family members yet again win this round, cause even if they didn’t see it or hear it, their words cut deep enough this time to open up those old wounds and made you feel, made you feel sorry for yourself, made you question the “why’s?”, the “how come?”, the “when will it stop?”. But as you look around you, you see your family, your accomplishments, and you have to rise above their words, and remind yourself, you are doing great things, you are headed in the direction YOU want to go. So mentally you tell them all to “F off” one by one. Cry yourself to sleep because you don’t get and never will be able to have that close knit family you always dreamed of, and that you will do everything in your power to ensure your children never experience the world of hate you endured.

When do you give…up

We’ve all probably been there! At least once! You’re either staying with family because of any given number of reasons. You’ve been to a family gathering of some kind.

So what do you do when your family tries to play parent? What do you do when your family makes the children promises, but expects YOU to uphold it? What is considered appropriate behavior on your families end vs them just stepping on your toes as a parent?

How do you, nicely, explain that you appreciate their thoughtfulness, but they may have crossed a line or two?

And at what point do you just give in and give up trying to explain and let things ride?

When he broke her heart

It was the end of Aug. The heat was crippling, especially for her as she carried within her another tiny human. She became excited and scared all at the same time. A chance to make a difference! A chance to show the world she was capable of love, capable of being greater than she ever dreamed of.

Ten years later, struggling to regain herself and her life, she had gone through hell. That year was amazing all the same. Her tiny human wasn’t so tiny anymore. They laughed, and bonded, and shared a love like no other. But somewhere, something happened. He began to shut her out, she weeped for him, she began to doubt herself. How? When? Why? Was there something she could have changed? Said?

Eight more years, he’s been long gone for years, both physically and mentally. She hears the stories of what he’s doing now. How he’s testing the limits, how he’s receeded so far within that he does not fear the consequences, just the thrill. He honestly believes that no one knows, and even with 500 miles between them, she hears, she sees, and it breaks her heart that he’s become so cold, so distant, so troubled!

Perception

We all make mistakes! It’s natural, and it’s how we learn. But we should never be made to feel bad about an honest (non criminal) mistake. And those we consider to be our closest and dearest friends and family should 100% never make us feel so little. But it happens, usually unintentionally, sometimes intentional. But how do we determine those apart? Is it based off how well we perceive the relationship to be? Is there proof that the way things were said/handled were meant one way or another? In the world where we can hide behind written words via text, email and social media, how do you determine tone of voice? How do you respond so that this person understands that your intention wasn’t how they perceived the situation? 

How do you rectify a situation gone bad? Respond? Let it go as you understand why they’re hurt or upset? Hope for the best? 

Perception is key when it comes to EVERYTHING!!!! How you hold your body, the tone of your voice, even written words can indicates how you truly are feeling, but in the eyes and ears of others, it can be exasturbated and taken way out of the context by the receiver.

So please before you send that text, email, post on a social site or even in person, think about how someone else may take it. It can ruin things for you.

The scariest moment, turned upside down.

Today is just one of many days that I will face in this cold world of interviewing for a new career. I have been with the same company for nearly 5years and to leave my comfort zone is taking years from my mental health. I do not like change, yet I’ve  learned to embrace it just the same. 

And while I had an amazing hour and a half conversation with the recruiter, it was ended with, I’m sorry, but with what you’ve just told me, we are unable to further this process. 

It’s not their fault that they have policies ans procedures to adhere to, again I am rejuvenated by the fact that, that tiny detail was my only hangup. It’s a bit of information that they would have stumbled upon anyway, better to be honest and upfront as not to waste time in the long run. Heart broken, yes. Will I face the same rejection, yes time and time again. But there is hope, that my experience and passion will eventually sway the right company to overlook my troubles past.